Black Ninja Pussy...cats

Ok folks, here goes.

My neighbors are cat-hoarders. Well, at least that is what I am thinking. When I moved into my townhouse the people connected to us had ONE cat. Now there are about 7 or 8 cats loitering around my house at all times.

They are ALL black and they have it out for me.

I kid you not...these are some ANGRY kitties.

They want to kill me. I know they do. I can see it in their glowing, yellow, slitted eyes. I can sense it in the way they move (which is more like 'slinking') when I walk outside.

I am not over-exaggerating when I tell you that one of them hissed, "Die!" at me a few nights ago when I got out of my car...which lead to some urine winding up in my pantaloons.

I love animals. Don't get me wrong...I really do. But, these cats...they are otherworldly. They have an eerie way about them that makes me nervous and fearful for my safety.

The other night, as I walked my dogs in the frigid winter night, I was assaulted by several of the cats.

One of the pitch-black pussies dive-bombed out of a tree at my head; hissing like a viper that had been cornered by a little middle eastern snake charmer in the hot desert.

As I screamed and flailed on the icy ground another black pussy leapt at my feet from the bushes to the side of me. I think it sprayed venom at my eyes but it missed. Yeah, I know what you are thinking...cats don't have venom....but, you are wrong. When this thing spray/hissed I felt an acidic blast of fire hit my shin. The swelling has still not gone down. I may be permanently disfigured.

After the first two cats dove at me and scampered off into the dark night a third one decided to fly out at my dog from under my carport. Thankfully, my dog did not run off after it...but they have in the past.

These black ninja pussies are driving me bonkers.

I want them to go away and leave me in peace.

I don't want any harm to befall them though. Just so my readers know...I do NOT condone kitty-murderings. Save the kitties!!!

On another wonderful note...my lovely mother had the humor to say, "Ahhh, now I know why you go out late at night...to get yourself some black pussy."

Yeah mom...that's the exact reason why I go out.

Love me some black pussy.

Sorry this was a short post. I am exhausted from my tedious day of nothingness.

Tootles my darlings. Much love. Peace.

Where has the time gone?

Hey Y'all! (I said that JUST like Britney bitch!)

How is everyone?! It's been too long since my last blog. 2009? Seriously, where has the time gone? It seems like it was just yesterday that I was writing about my escapades!

Well, I'm back.

I just don't know what to write about. Total brain freeze.

I want my blog to become a mega-smash hit sensation that gets made into a movie just like Julie/Julia (which was crap compared to the cinematic adventure that MY life could potentially be!). I think I would want someone who looks JUST like me to play the part...so, the casting director better start calling Ryan Phillippe, Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Gosling and maybe even Ryan Seacrest. I look like all of them. You know I do. Don't deny it. Not only do we share the uncanny facial similarities but we share the same first name...so, duh...one of them should DEFINITELY play me in my autobiographical film adaption.

With my luck they will cast Paul Giamati. Oy!

Anyways, I just wanted to stop in and get some thoughts. Should I blog about a certain topic? Should I blog about my favorite items? Recent splurges? Current events? What do you think?

Much obliged.

Love you.

Tootles.

R. Kelley (Not the one who pees on underage girls)